BAH!


Why do I feel like I can't connect with anyone outside my family!!!
Why do I feel like no one even wants to do the same with me??

Am I just a scary/un-happy/un-inviting looking kind of girl?? I don't bite! I promise!

Why can't I have an deep, intelligible conversations?
Why can't I talk about anything more than, "hi, how ya doing? Great! Cool me too!" kinda conversations??

Am I tired right now? Yes.
Stressed about the stupid test this tuesday in a class I JUST had a test in last week? Yes.

So you'd probably do well to just ignore this post anyway.
*sigh*
I'm just

Until next time--
LJ

[Seeing in a New Light]

Wow.
The theme of the past few days would have to be "constructive criticisms".
And after today, I think God allowed two different circumstances, involving 2 different sets of people in 2 different spectrums of my life come together in sort of "one theme".
I think God had to use some serious things in my life to get me to see clearly, and to understand what He's probably been trying to communicate to me for a long time.
*gulp*

That I'm really...really...prideful.

I have had to swallow it down lately, and suck it up, and realize it was for my own good.
But its like, suddenly, yesterday, the light bulb went on!!! I was failing to realize that God CAN use other people outside of my church to teach me something HE wants me to LEARN!!! *DUUUHHH!*

Okay, so I get it Lord, I know. You got me.
I'm proud.

Maybe it's been whats blocking my mind from opening up and getting to know people at work?
I don't know...but after a good 30 day review with Beth, (our owner), and Amber, our manager, it was kind of like the last thing I needed to hear to get me to click stufff over in my brain. Basically, I just felt like hugging everyone. haha!

So, I decided in my mind to "do everything as unto the Lord, and not unto men" (Col. 3:17) to "rejoice always" (Phil. 4:4) and "I can do all things through him who strengthens me. "
(Philippians 4:13)
I CAN make certain choices to not let my mind think things that aren't any of those qualifications in
1 Cor. 13. 
So I did. And you know what? It was amazing!!! All I had to do, was take my thoughts captive to obey Christ. (1 Cor. 10:5)


Anyway. I just read a bunch of Colossians, which is probably my next fav. book of the bible right after Philippians. :)

For now though, its time to get some photo research done in preparation for the wedding coming up on Sunday!
Then off to work, and then, a date night!!!
Can you tell I'm excited?? ;)

Soli Deo Gloria,
Leah

[tired eyes.]

...When it rains, it pours.

Lord, I need your help!! I'm not strong enough to handle any of this on my own. I need you, and I yet I feel so far from you.
I've got to figure out how to manage a crazy schedule so devotions keep getting pushed aside! 4hrs. of sleep for half a week doesn't do much help either :/

Prayers!!!

[Africa?]

So....what if we went to Africa? In as quickly as 3 semesters are over?

Ben said today, something about finishing up school and stuff "for when we go to Africa..." :D

What if we really do get to go? What if God really does work it out? What if I could even use my love/passion for photography in missions?
I don't think some things are "coincidence". (Deb, communicating with you (someone I've never met before) about Africa has NOT been a coincidence...) I think it's the fact that God knows the TRUE desires of our hearts, and I think that if that desire is to serve Him, He'll answer that desire.

Part of me wonders if I could EVER be ready to do missions? I don't consider myself very knowledgeable biblicly speaking, I don't read the Word as much as I should, I have so many areas to GROW--in my marriage, spiritually, overcoming the sins that have prevailed in my life...how could I ever be used by Him??

Some who may read this may have no idea Ben and I have considered missions before---but now that he is 3 semesters away from completing his degree @ WSU, we've all of  a sudden realized we can DO something, GO somewhere, anything! I've always had a desire to be involved in missions, and came to find out the same goes for Ben. I even tried to get involved in a missions organization before I married Ben, but well...the proposal kind of changed the course of things ;)
Besides, I couldn't imagine anything better than doing that kind of work with my best friend anyway! :)

My mind is just overwhelmed with those amazing thoughts! I think I'll go ride my bike in the beautiful weather we have today and do some more thinking/meditating! I'm so excited for what He has in store for us....even if it were right here in Wichita.

For fun, here's some pictures I took of flowers at the outdoor wedding I recently shot :) 

 

  

  

  

 

Soli Deo Gloria!!

[much needed rant flowing from probably too much emotion...]

I am so sick of this world. I hate it. The sinful world that is....
We're called not to fall into its ways, to hate the sin in it, yet to love the people and have compassion just like Jesus did. My music appreciation teacher decided to show a movie that had "greaaat" music in it (it was a type of musical), but was FULL of half...no...barely dressed, provocative looking women....during the WHOLE half of the movie. Not only was I embarrassed, but I felt incredibly sorry for the men in that room. If my husband were in that room I would have escorted him out immediately!!!
I'm tired of the lust, and relationships-gone-wrong, failing marriages, hate, envy, pride, and everything else that goes along with the sinful nature, and this ever dying earth we're on.
I find getting along with/loving people hard sometimes. Very hard. I've let so many things clog my mind lately. Probably mostly my own useless worries and insecurity with all these new surroundings (work, school, etc.)
I'm not like any of the other girls at work, or at least, that's the way I see it, (Is it bad that I'm not a super social butterfly??) and I'm trying to find ways to connect, have conversations, etc., but my efforts haven't seemed to do any good. I'm not good at this whole, "let's be best friends because we work together" thing, yet. In fact, I feel like things have been going backwards so far.
I love my job, but I'm still getting accustomed to what I have to do there/the expectations. It's been a challenge, it is definately much different than my old job, and much more demanding.
Basically, just recently I've had a couple occasions I could have just thrown down the towel and burst into tears....not to mention I missed church last week because of a work meeting, which, I think has thrown my whole entire week off. Not good. I need more time, especially with the Lord, and since school has started, I feel like that time has evaporated into thin air. I feel like I go to work and school and work and school and that's the end of it.
I also miss bike rides, quality time with my husband (which I finally got some tonight!!!), and a whole lotta other things.
I'm working, (and failing so far) at fixing my schedule to be a morning person and rise early to get some of that important stuff accomplished in the morning (aka...devo's) yet, staying up till 1 am to finish homework or editing pictures has sent my body into "pass-out-until-i-HAVE-to-get-up mode. "
Also not good.

I don't know how to fix all this right now, and my heart is heavy for no good reason, just SO much going on in life at the moment! I'm trying to swallow it all at once, but I had a good talk with my hubby, (aka, personal pastor!) tonight at a quick meet-up for dinner in between work and class, and he, as always, put some good truth into my heart. Mainly Romans 8:28.
Anyway, I better get some cleaning done before a certain someone gets home!

Until next time,
:LJ:

[Take my life, and let it be!...]

Just got back from the women's retreat at the church in Hutchinson. They do such a wonderful job of putting it on every year, and Susan Heck, my favorite speaker in the world at the moment, was back!!! She lives a life that convicts me to live the same! Her example is one that I want to follow! If only I lived in Tulsa, so I could follow her around!
Oh well...it was a great experience though! I'm so thankful she comes back to speak to us in Wichita all the time!

This will just be a short entry, but I'm so excited I just want to write something...I think I might write later on about the specifics that God is teaching me :)

My head is exploding with thoughts and ideas and realizations. This last week was rough. Very rough; and my husband can attest. I knew I was going to NEED every single word spoken and sung today. Every single one of the songs we sang at the retreat put me in tears, I just didn't let them slip out of my eyeballs. haha!!
I think through the "pastoring" of my husband, and the hard things God put me through this week prepared me to listen to what was said at the retreat today; in so many ways. The music, the 3 lessons that Susan taught, the love shared with fellow Christian women....ahhh. So refreshing, so spiritually uplifting! I needed that boost!! I needed some conviction, a kick in the pants, SOMEthing. And that was it. Just what I needed. It was also encouraging to know that I'm not the only one who gets "dry" in their spiritual walk sometimes. I have felt that way lately, and so hearing the music leader talk about her own struggles with it was so encouraging! She even had a song to sing that was written during that period in her life.
I am excited to keep thinking on all that I've learned, and to finish some old bible study stuff that I bought from Susan, and to start some new material I bought from the pastors wife at that church! 

One of Susan Heck's favorite hymns was sung today, and I relfected very deeply on the words as they were sung. I hope they can become my true prayer in life, every day!! ......

Take my life, and let it be consecrated, Lord, to Thee.
Take my moments and my days; let them flow in ceaseless praise.
Take my hands, and let them move at the impulse of Thy love.
Take my feet, and let them be swift and beautiful for Thee.
Take my voice, and let me sing always, only, for my King.
Take my lips, and let them be filled with messages from Thee.
Take my silver and my gold; not a mite would I withhold.
Take my intellect, and use every power as Thou shalt choose.
Take my will, and make it Thine; it shall be no longer mine.
Take my heart, it is Thine own; it shall be Thy royal throne.
Take my love, my Lord, I pour at Thy feet its treasure store.
Take myself, and I will be ever, only, all for Thee.

 Until next time!

[Hard lessons...]

*AAAHHHHHGGGG!!!* I think I'll go find a wall to bang my head on today. Hard.

Sometimes, I don't like doing my devotions, or reading certain books because it makes me realize how much of a failure I am at doing things right!!! .....
Speaking mainly about being a good wife.
I've been reading "A Woman After God's Own Heart," thanks to Debbie :) and we're also going through the book once a month with the highschool girls bible study! That means, I have to teach every other chapter, which means...I probably get more out of it then they do, haha, but its good for me!

Just like today's reading!

I am by no means a naturally humble, serving spirit. Well, actually its worse than that, I'm willing to help people at my church with whatever their needs may be, but I'm NEGLECTING the one thing I AM supposed to be good at doing--serving my HUSBAND!

Elizabeth George puts it this way in her book...after reading Genesis 2:18 for the first time in her Christian life, she realized she "was on assignment from God to be her husbands helper." HE was her priority over family and all else, (not including the Lord of course...)
Yikes! I'm only 9 months into my marriage and I can't even count how many times I have failed to be his helper, supporter, how many times I've nagged, whined, complained, ignored, and been selfish.

I'm not saying our marriage is going down the tubes, it's wonderful actually. We grow to love each other more and more each day! The fire hasn't diminished by any means, so don't be confused by what I'm saying.
I'm just severely convicted. I wondered today if the fact that I've been so excited and consumed by the amazing business I've been getting with my photography has taken my focus off of my husband! He's been supporting ME in all of it, rather than me continuing to find ways to serve him amongst all of life's excitements and what his schedule is like each day!

Good grief, how can we even think about being parents someday down the road, if I can't even serve my husband properly yet?
E. George also mentions in this chapter on serving the verses in Philippians that talk about Christ's example of humility; yet for some reason, I had not really applied that idea to my marriage specifically. So, I've come up with a new way to personalize my reading lately. Here's how I read Philippians 2:3-11 this morning.
I put my own words in brackets...

    [3] [Wives,] Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count [your husband] more significant than [yourself]. [4] Let each of you look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of [your husband's].  [5] Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, [6] who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, [7] but made himself nothing, taking the form of a (*slave,) being born in the likeness of men. [8] And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. [9] Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, [10] so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, [11] and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.
(Philippians 2:3-11 ESV)
*This is what the penned word means in Greek...



*whew*
I could probably write a lot more, but....I'll leave it short today.
I can say I have so much room to improve. I think I let myself slip into the idea that my marriage is going great, and we're perfect together!! Rather than thinking, look at all the ways you could improve it, self. You have much more to give than you are giving right now.

I can't do this without the Lord, which is another area of perseverance I must not lag in...I pray I'll continue to realize this much much more as we continue on our journey together :)