[transparency]

*ahem*
 This is going to be difficult to admit, but I'm going to share some of my downfalls lately...

I had a lightbulb moment last night/this morning after a few rough days with my self-pity and pride.

I am beginning to realize what true submission in my marriage is all about, and that, my husband is usually right about things, and I just need to back down, and trust him, and just be submissive.

This morning, I read Eph. 5 in a different way:
"Leah, submit to your own husband, as to the Lord. For Ben is the head of you even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so you, Leah, should submit to your husband, Ben, in everything. "

I almost cried after reading it this way....

And then I look up a couple paragraphs to read this... "let there be no filthiness nor foolish talk, nor crude joking, which are out of place, but instead let there be thanksgiving..."
I had just the other day made a joke I thought was funny, that he didn't think was funny, which caused me and my prideful self to be upset at the fact that he was offended, and that he should "loosen up"....when in fact, I was, and am wrong. We are supposed to give up that kind of thing and instead be filled with thanksgiving.  The problem is, I've found lots of little things like this to get upset about lately...

I've been emotionally up and down with my husband these past few days, and I know why now. I'm struggling with my sin of selfishness, wanting to do things my way, and prideful.

I realized the other day that I had been basically living on my own, and doing whatever I wanted for about 3 or 3.5 years before I got married, and now, I can't do that anymore. I have to be submissive, my husband's will comes first! How hard this has been for me-- to conquer my self desires and the way I've always done it... because now, that doesn't matter...I am called to be submissive to my husband in everything so that the Word of God may not be reviled. I've read that passage in Titus 2 maaaanny times...but why is it taking so long to actually take effect in my life??

I really need accountability...I need the Word more, I need to pray more, I need my Savior's help more, because nothing is going to get me over this hurdle other than Him.
Yet, I am sooo thankful for such a forgiving and patient husband. One that more often looks for his own faults first before he looks for mine. (Believe it or not, that is more convicting to me honey...)
I know God's been testing me/our marriage, because we haven't had to get into the real nitty gritty of life being less than a year married...He's blessed us with so many blessings its hard to keep track of them all....so I know He is refining us yet. We have so much to learn, and so much to understand about what marriage really is, so I hope and pray we continue to learn with open hearts and minds for what He is teaching us.
I am thankful too, for the great church family, and parents we have, to follow after their examples and to be encouraged, what would we do without them!?

Soli Deo Gloria