[In loving memory of my sweet bird, Trendle]

This is going to be hard, so.. *deep breathe* Here we go....a memorial post with some of my favorite pictures and stories...

This last week, (the day after my birthday to be exact,) I lost my precious cockatiel to some kind of sickness whom I've had since I was 7 years old. That's a total of 15 years of having her with me!

This has honestly been the hardest thing I've ever gone through...I've never lost something I'd been so attached to before-- no words can express how upset I was, (and still am...)Even now I'm trying not to cry while I type this, but I thought maybe telling her story would help me.

*tears*

Some of you may not understand why I loved her so much, or you may think I'm crazy because she's "just a bird, so get over it!!" But she wasn't just any old bird....
I'm not technically an official mommy yet though, so Trendle, since I was 7, had always been "my baby."
I can't express in words the attachment I had to her, and over the years she bonded with me and would follow me around like a baby too.

When I walked into the pet shop to pick out a cockatiel, the lady took me to an incubator with brand new baby cockatiels, and there I picked out "Trendle" who got her name from a christian kid's tv show I used to watch which had a puppet parrot named exactly that.

The lady told me I could come back and get her in a few weeks when she was old enough to eat seed and be out of the incubator...and that wait killed me!
I was soooo excited the day we got to bring her home.
One of the first things I learned to do was "scratch" her head. She would put her head under my hand any time I would cup it over hers, and I finally figured out she liked to be scratched....and she would sit there and let you scratch her head all day if you had the time...

Over the years Trendle bonded with me, and soon became my "room alarm". Since she was always in my room, she would squawk her head off if anyone by myself walked in there. I never had to worry about siblings trying to sneak in there! ;)

When I was still little and was always grounded, Trendle was always there with me, keeping me company when I could go nowhere else or do anything else...she was a great friend :)

When Ben and I moved into our apartment, she'd start squawking the second she saw me outside our window while I was unlocking the door to get in....that's one thing I really miss...her welcome home chirps :'(

Towards the end, when she got older, she developed some arthritis in her hips...so she looved to sit on my laptop because it always got warm while I worked on it...I have many examples of this:

She would "help" me do my homework by showing me how to sleep instead of work...

Trendle had a lot of favorites foods, all of them were actually good for birds to eat too, like cooked pasta, oats, some veggies, but ESPECIALLY cooked peas...she would devour those without stopping to breathe....she liked bread and crackers of course, and she also liked popcorn......

She'd eat this stuff and make a HUGE mess and it was hilarious because it would always stick to her beak....lol.

She was always with me when I worked on homework or picture editing...and occasionally I'd stop and take some funny pictures while sitting there....

Because of the arthritis she'd sleep funny....like, she'd start to lean forward and then almost fall forward, but then sit up straight again, and then start drifiting forward, etc etc. Kinda like a kid falling asleep in their food, lol. She would do this while sitting on my shoulder even:

The hardest part of her getting older was that she started to lose some "sense" or something....her wings have always been clipped, she's never been able to fly. But for some reason, if she was sitting on the table or counter, she'd get the notion that she could and would jump off trying to get to me or something else...This happened many times, but this last time she did it, she majorly hurt herself...

She somehow damaged her neck to the point where I couldn't touch it, and for the next few days it got worse. The morning of a wedding I was supposed to go shoot at noon I decided to run her to the vet.
I honestly don't know if this was a mistake or not....despite trendle's squawks of pain, the vet pushed and prodded and tried to feel for other broken things or whatever...to the point that trendle coughed up some slimy liquid. This vet lady barely paused to let T. catch her breathe and I was trying not to freak out myself....

At the end of the appt. the most the vet could do was send me home with a tube to force feed her because she wasn't eating or barely drinking and was afraid there was some damage to her crop. (The organ that stores and processes a bird's food.)

I went home worried to death, because trendle was sleeping all hunched over and looked like she was still in a lot of pain...

At this point I had to rush to get ready to leave for the wedding, Ben was home then so I asked him to keep his eye on her. You're supposed to keep sick birds warm, so I had a heating pad in her cage, which she had been sitting on for the last few days of being hurt. This time I kissed her goodbye and laid her in her cage to rest. I had no time to feed her then, and she was my priority to feed once home from the wedding that night.

The wedding went well, despite my worries, and I stopped by Ben's mom's house to pick him up from working on our car.

Something in my heart on the car ride home told me to expect the worse when I got home but pushed it away, telling myself I had time and still had to at least try and feed her and get some nourishment in her.

*don't read past this if you have a weak heart or vivid imagination...*





However, when I walked into our room I saw her little body pressed against the side of her cage as though she had been trying to get out or was squawking for help. I screamed as I yelled her name and touched her and realized she was already gone. She had choked on that slimy stuff the vet had not warned me about at all.......*frustration!*

I don't think I have cried harder or for so long in my life.....
*tears*
....
I miss her sooooooo much and had all the hope in the world that I would fix her and help her get better....but it was too late. What kills me is that I keep telling myself I could have saved her by clearing her airways if I had been there, or if Ben had even been home that night, but we weren't.

I had always known the day of her passing on would come eventually, but I always thought it would be a "peaceful" one...maybe in her sleep or something, but this kind of death was even harder for me to swallow. I just wanted to be there to hold her or keep her warm if she was in pain, I hadn't wanted for her to die completely alone.

I know it's God's will that I wasn't at home to watch her suffer and die, but I keep asking why she had to die so painfully.... it's hard for me to understand, and I will probably never fully understand, but I am at least a little comforted that she's not in pain now, as I know she probably was for those last days.


We buried my sweet bird the next day at my parent's house under the tree she would sit in during the spring days when I lived at home. Since her wings were clipped she would go outside with me to enjoy the nice weather and get some fresh air.

 *one of her favorite places to sit, besides my shoulder; she knew that
if she gave me a kiss, I'd scratch her neck...*


These last few days have been so painful, and I'm honestly fighting a little depression, but God is still good, and I have a loving husband and a beautiful baby on the way (who I will get to see the first time in one week from tomorrow!)

I'm also thankful for my mom, and wonderful friends who've lent hugs, kind words, cards, and let me come over and hang out just to get out of my house and to get my mind off things.
I know this healing will take awhile, but I'm praying that soon the arrival of a new baby will surpass any emotional distraught left from this experience, I have to be strong for him or her!


I hope this didn't disturb any of you...I just had to write whats been filling my mind for the last few days...

To end all these tears I'll leave you with a favorite video of her:

Love and hugs,
Leah

[life is hard sometimes...]

You know whats funny?

How exactly OPPOSITE I feel emotionally/spiritually from the last post I made.

{keep reading on if you dare--it's a rant-ish post....}

After that last post, things were going great! I had energy to wake up in the mornings and if not do my bible study, to at least pray, and focus my thoughts on what was most important before I left for the day. I just felt close to the Lord. Like the desire to always be in the Word and know Him more was constantly there.

By human emotions ebb and flow about as much as the Kansas weather.

And here I sit, feeling completely empty, dry, and void of any kind of passion for ANYthing...let alone the desire I once had to keep growing in the Word. It's a day in, day out grind. The exact same thing each day---nothing different or new---its driving me crazy!

I don't know what happened? Maybe it was school? Maybe too much worldly junk I have to put up with at work? A stressed out husband? Not enough time to rest these days?

Don't get me wrong--I love the times on Sundays when I get that sweet fellowship with other believers, and of course I love our pastor's sermons......the problem starts when Monday hits.

Lets see, another problem could be...oh, you know.......pregnancy horomones???
These have proven to be extremely more difficult to pull into submission than I ever thought they would. I feel like I'm 13 and on an emotional roller coaster again!!
I feel sick and exhausted in the mornings...which forces me to either a) rest as long as I can, or b) sit on the edge of the bed with head in knees trying to stomach a cheerio before make a mad dash to work to try and not be late.
I've tried praying in the car on the way to work, but my mind wanders...I can't focus on traffic and prayer at the same time.
Yep.

That's pretty much my life as of late.

Not to mention, my hubby's stress level is worse than mine. I don't think he gets a break hardly ever. Except for the random thurs. or friday night date squeezed in between his homework/work/studying stuff.


Anyway, I know none of these are probably legitimate excuses for why I feel so dry, but I think both of us feel like we're in a "holding" pattern.

We're waiting for school to finally end, since we're both on the last stretch
We're waiting to see where we will live soon...
We're waiting to see if the car finally dies on me, and if we'll need a new one
We're waiting for our baby
We're waiting for tests to be over,
We're just waiting all the time!!



At this point, feel like i'm in no good condition to become a mom soon..(well, I already am, but to one whom I can actually train up and discipline...)

I can't even keep my own spiritual life going the way it should, let alone raise a child to follow Him.

I can take some time today to think and pray about it, but I feel like Saturdays are about the only days with free time left.

Life is just harder to get through sometimes, I'm sure God has a reason, but I'm dying to get out of this rut! :/

[Rejuvenation]

Oh, I LOVE how the Lord works to rejuvenate a tired and weak heart!!

School stresses me out sooo much that I can let it take over my concentration and focus on things that matter SO INFINITELY MUCH MORE than SCHOOL!!!! (Or work, for that matter....or things that I hear, but don't want to  hear, but can't control....)

I'm confident He will help me graduate this summer as long as I do my part. He will give me strength. So now, I can sit back and relax and focus on the Lord in the mornings and move everything else out of my mind while I'm on a date with Him. 
I've realized I've been trying to learn how to be a "good" or "better" wife for my husband....but how can that happen if I'm consumed with only that, and my heart is not full of Christ's love?
When that is full, I can overflow that love onto those around me, INCLUDING my hubby, whom I love more and more everyday.

I FINALLY picked up my bible study book I bought at the Women's retreat at last spring, written by Kris Goertzen. 
I think I might get some Ginger Millemon music to go with my studies in the mornings...

Anyway, the study is called, the "Extreme Spiritual Makeover"! I'm only in day 3 and loving it. It came with audio CD's for each week, and I just found some accompaning videos on her site.

So... needless to say I needed it. Bad.
My soul was dry and thirsty.

What would I do without my One True Love?

::LJ::

[For all you married folk...]

Welp,
God gave me the answers to my struggles in the form of devos this morning.

:)

Gen. 3:16b
"“I will surely multiply your pain in childbearing;
        in pain you shall bring forth children.
    Your desire shall be for your husband,
        and he shall rule over you.”"


I'm mainly looking at that last part about the woman's desire for her husband.
Now, I've always understood that that phrase it talking about a woman's desire to "rule" over, or to be the leader of things in her home, rather than being submissive to her husbands authority.
Both roles can get distorted though, and its all because of sin and its desire for us!!

This is an exeerpt from the ESV study bible's footnotes on this verse, it definately got my attention this morning:

" 'Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you.' These words from the Lord indicate that there will be an ongoing struggle between the woman and the man for leadership in the marriage relationship. The leadership role of the husband and the complementary relationship between husband and wife that were ordained by God before the fall have now been deeply damaged and distorted by sin. This especially takes the form of inordinate desire (on the part of the wife) and domineering rule (on the part of the husband).
The Hebrew term here translated “desire” (teshuqah) is rarely found in the OT. But it appears again in 4:7, in a statement that closely parallels 3:16—that is, where the Lord says to Cain, just before Cain's murder of his brother, that sin's “desire is for you” (i.e., to master Cain), and that Cain must “rule over it” (which he immediately fails to do, by murdering his brother, as seen in 4:8).
Similarly, the ongoing result of Adam and Eve's original sin of rebellion against God will have disastrous consequences for their relationship: (1) Eve will have the sinful “desire” to oppose Adam and to assert leadership over him, reversing God's plan for Adam's leadership in marriage.
But (2) Adam will also abandon his God-given, pre-fall role of leading, guarding, and caring for his wife, replacing this with his own sinful, distorted desire to “rule” over Eve. Thus one of the most tragic results of Adam and Eve's rebellion against God is an ongoing, damaging conflict between husband and wife in marriage, driven by the sinful behavior of both in rebellion against their respective God-given roles and responsibilities in marriage."



Yikes.

Like I said, I think and am pretty sure we even studied this topic in our premarital counseling, but I think I definately need to read this passage a lot more often in my devos to keep my mind focused on the truth, and to keep myself in check about where my heart is at in relation to my husband and his authority over me.

I love him so much, and I am realizing more and more at how much he can see that love by the respect and submission I give to him. :)


Welp, thats my profound findings for today folks, until next time....

*lj*

[Hidden]

You know those days, where you feel like someone else crawled into your skin and made you do and think things you would never normally do? Kinda like Bilbo in The Lord of the rings...when he goes from this....

to this...

Yeah.
I do, and it makes me feel like the worst wife Ben wouldn't have wanted if he knew I was a grinch sometimes.

I just let my emotion and anger sometimes flood out everything else and its like I can't see clearly, I can't take over my own self. I just sort of want to explode and disappear into thin air all at the same time!
I can positively say I have NOT mastered being a wife yet. *said sarcastically*
Haha!
Of COURSE I haven't mastered it! In fact, I feel like I'm going backwards, after days like yesterday.
It's a constant struggle to keep my thoughts where they should be, and to not be so controlling. Which, was sort of built into me. The fact that I was super independent growing up, and then lived on my own for such a while before getting married makes letting go of making decisions on my own very difficult.

I keep telling myself exactly what to do, and the thoughts cross my mind that I might be doing things wrong, but when it comes time to put that lesson into action...*dundunDUN!!!* .....It never happens. Go figure!

I get excited at the idea of having kids someday soon, but the fact that I can't be perfectly submissive to my husband as God commands us wives makes me think I'm crazy. I can't have kids if I'm a dysfunctional wife!!! What am I thinking??

Yeah, I know...no one's perfect, but for goodness sake we've got to get a routine, and I've got to get my heart and emotions under control.
I know what I need to do though. Ben constantly reminds me the only way we'll get better is to look to our real motivation...to be like Christ.

It's days like this where we've talked, he's encouraged me, and we've completely forgiven each other that I can say I am truly blessed by my husband. He's even given me a new chance to show submission and respect again this morning, and this time, I'm not going to fail!
I love you Benjamin Michael Jung!!

[Decompartmentalizing....]

So, God is Good.

Despite how CRAZY this week has been....God is good, and He has used it all for my good.

This last week when I felt the sickest with my cold/horrible sinus pressure/upset stomach... I couldn't find anyone to sub for me and had to get through an 8hr. shift at work. The funny part is what Ben had challenged me with that morning before he left...

He told me not to think of my days as getting from one thing to the next, one task to the next, or one job finished to the next.... Instead of dreading the 8 hours of have to stand on my feet, he wanted me to look at it as just a part of my whole entire day, as just one big continuum. He said that we in America think too much in compartments. Not willing to just look at every part of our day as another second to rejoice in the Lord. And so, he of course brought up Phil. 4:4. "Rejoice in the Lord", (when?)..."ALWAYS!! " ( I don't know how much I've quoted that verse on here....haha!)

I think....well, scratch that... I know that God allowed me to work that shift despite feeling so gross that day. As I worked and as we got busier into the night, I had so much to do that my mind seemed to get off of how miserable I felt and wondering whether or not I was going to keep that food in my stomach or not. Not everything you want goes your way.
Not everyday will you feel your best, but God still wants us to glorify Him in our words, actions, and deeds.
I did learn to invest my time into those around me: my coworkers, my customers, my job and how well I did it...
I did learn that God doesn't always answer your prayers the way you want them, and that we must trust that He knows what is best for us, after all...He is our creator, and our Father, and He knows. Ben always encourages me with that thought as well. (also Ps. 139).

I am so thankful for my husband. He is such an encourager to me, spiritually and emotionally... and he always takes such good care of me, especially when I'm feeling sick. :)

Here's a picture from our 1yr. anniversary trip to Devils Den State Park, in Fayetteville Ar. I have had so much picture editing to do for my photo business I haven't had time to post any of these on facebook or anything like that, but this is probably my favorite shot from the whole vacation on our hike :

Until next time,
Much love from the Jung house :)

BAH!


Why do I feel like I can't connect with anyone outside my family!!!
Why do I feel like no one even wants to do the same with me??

Am I just a scary/un-happy/un-inviting looking kind of girl?? I don't bite! I promise!

Why can't I have an deep, intelligible conversations?
Why can't I talk about anything more than, "hi, how ya doing? Great! Cool me too!" kinda conversations??

Am I tired right now? Yes.
Stressed about the stupid test this tuesday in a class I JUST had a test in last week? Yes.

So you'd probably do well to just ignore this post anyway.
*sigh*
I'm just

Until next time--
LJ